Sunday, May 31, 2009

Kind of like Jacob, but not....

This has been a week that I’ve wrestled and struggled with. I can’t really say it’s been a bad week. And it’s definitely had its highlights. But I’m feeling vaguely disjointed and out of sorts. I’m not really sure why. I am absolutely sure that I am feeling undercurrents of God beginning a new work in me. This is the beginning of a very busy season for me at work: VBS, Youth Camp, and a BBQ/Baptism celebration all happening in June. And yet, this is not where I feel that God is furrowing the fields of my heart and preparing me for something. I can’t quite put my finger on it, and it’s something that I’m seeing dimly. Kind of like when I get out of the shower in the morning and the mirror is fogged up, yet I want to check to make sure I got all the mascara off before I use my clean pink towel on my face. I can get the general outline, but the details just aren’t definable.

My trusty bigredtruck was in the shop all week long. Again. Actually, since a week ago last Thursday. With more transmission problems that were “fixed” when we had it rebuilt, two visits to the shop ago. We finally got it back on Friday. Tyler is thrilled that he won’t have to be sharing rides or be driven to and fro. When we got it back, I stuck my foot in my mouth and embarrassed myself. Again.

I got a prickly email from someone this week. I was able, through Christ who lives within me, to hold off on responding until I could really pray about what I should say. And I think that I did respond in such a way that I was able to point towards Christ and not denigrate the situation any further. But it’s not all resolved. I’m doing a lot of self-examination here. I don’t think this is a control issue on my part, but I’m feeling threatened and self-protective, when I should be able to rest in the assurance that this is all being handled by the Counselor. So, I am not trying to control the particular circumstance, but I am not trusting that the whole of the situation will be controlled by Him. So, I guess in the end, it really is a control issue.

And then yesterday at a closing, I received an absolutely lovely and valuable gift from the client. I tried to refuse it, but was told that refusing would be tantamount to an insult, so who am I to turn this down? Maybe this was a love-note from God, who knew I was feeling a little beat up and ragged around the edges.

Now, as I prepare to head off to youth group, I am praying that I will be shiny, and that eventually someone will say that somehow they saw the light of Christ as it shone through me.

This is a total nothingness, random-filled and boring post, but somehow I feel better now. Obviously I am indulging something here, there's some payoff. But I can't figure out what.

"We evaluate others with a godlike justice, but we want them to evaluate us with a godlike compassion."
-- Sydney J. Harris

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